How to Share the Work of Breastfeeding With Your Partner

Breastfeeding has a design flaw from a partner's point of view: the person with the milk does the feeding, and the other person stands there holding a burp cloth and feeling useless. That feeling is wrong, and the research backs that up. A 2020 systematic review found that in most of the studies it covered, a partner's practical help and plain verbal encouragement increased how long and how exclusively mothers breastfed. The partner's job isn't to feed the baby. It's to make feeding the baby possible.

The jobs that are yours in the first weeks

The NHS and La Leche League both keep lists of what a partner can do, and they come down to the same set of jobs. Bring the baby to the feed and take them away afterwards. Do the burping and the nappy change, so the feed ends when the feed ends. Put water and a snack within reach before every feed, because breastfeeding makes you hungry and thirsty at exactly the moment you can't move. Keep older children busy. Do the bath, the bedtime and the laundry. Limit visitors, especially the ones who want to hold the baby right after a feed. Learn the basics before the birth, including going to a breastfeeding class, so you can tell a normal cluster-feeding evening from a problem.

Two more that matter more than they sound. First, skin-to-skin with the partner (baby on your bare chest while the breastfeeding parent showers or sleeps) is good for the baby and, according to La Leche League Canada, supports supply by keeping the baby calm and regulated between feeds. Second, be the one who calls for help. When feeds hurt or the baby isn't gaining, the breastfeeding parent is often too tired and too close to it to pick up the phone. Find the lactation consultant, book the visit, and come along.

Keep the log

Every midwife, nurse and lactation consultant will ask how often the baby feeds, for how long, and on which side. The person feeding at night is the worst-placed person to remember that. A partner who keeps the record, on paper or in an app, takes a real cognitive load off and makes the "is this normal?" conversations much shorter. MilkMode's shareable stats exist for exactly this: the feeding parent taps the timer and the summary can go to a partner or a pediatrician without anyone keeping notes. Any shared note works; the point is that it isn't one more thing in the feeding parent's head.

When a bottle is a good idea, and when it isn't

In the first days and weeks, supply is built by demand. The NHS puts it simply: each time your baby feeds, your body learns to make more milk for the next feed, and topping up with formula or replacing feeds early can lower supply. Bottle sucking is also different from breast sucking, so a bottle introduced too early can make breastfeeding harder.

That's why the standard advice is to wait until breastfeeding is well established before offering a bottle of expressed milk. The NHS says "several weeks"; many clinicians put it at around three to four weeks, and some say six. When you do start, the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests the partner gives the first bottles, about half an ounce, an hour or two after a normal feed when the baby is alert but not starving, and stops if the baby gets frustrated. The baby takes it more easily from someone who doesn't smell of milk.

Splitting the nights honestly

The obvious plan is for the partner to take a night feed with expressed milk so the breastfeeding parent gets a longer stretch. It can work, and it has a cost that often gets left out. Night feeds are when prolactin, the hormone that drives supply, runs highest, which is why the NHS tells new mothers it's important to feed at night in the early weeks and why its guidance on rebuilding supply includes expressing at least once overnight. Skip a night feed without expressing and, done regularly, supply tends to follow.

So a night shift that protects supply looks like this: the partner gives the bottle and does the whole settle, and the breastfeeding parent expresses around the same time, which is faster than a feed and doesn't require being fully awake. Or the partner takes everything except the feed itself: the wake-up, the change, bringing the baby over, and the resettle, so the feeding parent is up for fifteen minutes instead of forty-five. Either way, the gain is real sleep, not a hormone problem to fix later.

Quick answers

How can a partner help with breastfeeding? By taking everything around the feed: bringing the baby, burping, changing, settling, food and water, visitors, older children, and the feed log. Research shows a partner's practical help and encouragement increase how long mothers breastfeed.

When can my partner give a bottle of expressed milk? Once breastfeeding is well established. The NHS says several weeks; many clinicians suggest around three to four weeks. The partner should give the first bottles, since the baby takes it more easily from someone who doesn't smell of milk.

Can my partner do a night feed so I can sleep? Yes, with a bottle of expressed milk, but night feeds drive supply, so the breastfeeding parent usually still needs to express around that time. The partner taking the wake-up, change and resettle while you only feed is often the better trade.

Keep reading

• How Often Should a Newborn Breastfeed?
• When Can You Stop Waking Your Baby to Feed at Night?
• How to Track Breastfeeding Without Losing Your Mind

This article is general information, not medical advice. Sources: Ogbo et al., "Breastfeeding in the Community: How Can Partners/Fathers Help? A Systematic Review" (2020); NHS, "Breastfeeding: help and support", "Combining breast and bottle feeding", "Breastfeeding: the first few days" and "Expressing your breast milk"; La Leche League Canada, "How partners can help"; HealthyChildren.org (AAP), "Introducing the bottle". If you have concerns about your baby's feeding or weight, talk to your pediatrician, midwife, or a lactation consultant.